Blueberry Apple Crumble

Ingredients

• 4 cups sliced peeled tart apples
• 2 cups blueberries
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 cup all-purpose flour, divided
• 2 cups quick cooking oats (optional)
• 2 tablespoons agave nectar (optional)
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice (optional)
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1/2 cup butter, melted

Directions

Place apples in a greased baking dish.

Squeeze lemon juice and extra cinnamon onto apples (optional)



Top with blueberries.

Drizzle Agave Nectar over the fruit (optional)

Mix brown sugar and 2 tablespoons flour; sprinkle over fruit.

Combine sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and remaining flour.

Stir in egg and oats with a fork until mixture is crumbly.

Sprinkle over fruit; drizzle with butter.

Bake at 350 degrees F for 55-60 minutes or until apples are tender. Serve warm and enjoy!

This recipe was modified from a recipe I found from Taste of Homes magazine.  You can substitute any kinds of fruit that you may have in the kitchen.  Serve with vanilla ice cream!  Delicious!!

One of the lucky ones....

I just got done watching the movie 50/50.  For anyone who has not heard of this movie or seen it, it is about a 27 year old man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who learns he has cancer and a 50/50 chance of survival.  The portrayal of his journey with life and death is deeply moving and although it was heavy with deep emotions of fear, anger, and despair it also gives comedic light to the reality of having a serious illness.

Not one for sad movies, within the first ten minutes Greg pleaded for us to turn it off and watch the new Harold and Kumar instead.  I insisted that since "he chose to watch it" we had to finish it.  He had assumed since Seth Rogan was in it that is must be a comedy (think Superbad, Pineapple Express, etc).  He was obviously wrong but the truth is that I really needed to watch this movie. 

Yes, needed.

I do not have cancer.  I do, however, have an incurable disease which feels at times and is in a lot of ways similar (I'd imagine) to having cancer.  I have been dating a man for the last seven years who also has autoimmune disease.  We both silently wept while internalizing each aspect of the movie to our own lives.  From the minute he learned he was sick, to receiving chemotherapy infusions at the hospital, to the strain illness has on his relationships, to the painfully raw emotions endured before his surgery and overcoming all these obstacles to become better and stronger; we both know these things all too well because we've lived and are living it. 

I admit that It is hard, really hard. 

Denial has slowly subsided and made room for acceptance of my difficult reality.  Key word in that sentance being slowly.  Yesterday I had a deeply moving yoga session in which I found myself in Childs Pose crying and pleading with God.  Instead of begging him to heal me or getting angry with the "why me's, it's not fair" nonsense, I asked for Him to give me a purpose that would make all my suffering worth it.  I told him I was sorry for not trusting in His plan for my life and resisting it so much that it ultimately made me more sick from the stress and hurt of disappointment.  I prayed for Him to help change my heart and to give me strength. 

Only those who have been through terrible illness understand what it means when I say that everyday tasks become much more difficult, such as simply getting out of bed.  Day to day life is completely unpredictable when you live with autoimmune disease.  I never know when a flare is going to strike which makes planning for a future nearly impossible. 

That is the ulimate lesson I have been overlooking all along, that all I have is this moment.  All I have is today.  My past does not have to define me and every day is blessing and opportunity for new beginnings.  Even when I've felt like my life is absolutely unbearable, moments like this remind me that it could always be worse; that I could find out I have a 50/50 chance of living....so today I am eternally grateful for another day, good or bad, it doesn't matter because I know that even the struggles have made me stronger and given me the opportunity to be better. 

God is so good and I trust that He has a great plan for me and my life.  I am one of the lucky ones....

slow dancing
carpet between our toes
the faint sound of Neil Young
tugs at my heart strings.
I breathe in his skin
my lips against his neck
holding me tight in his arms
it feels like home to me.

As infants we depend on our parents, or others, to fulfill our basic needs.   We grow older and begin gaining more independence and take on the responsibilty to care for ourselves.  Yet, as adults we rarely recognize or awknowledge the importance and necessity of our emotional needs being fulfilled.  For me my emotional well-being far surpasses the importance of my physical well-being since my state of health is out of control but my emotions are mine to choose.

I read that happines is a "learned behavior that has depth and deliberation to it."  You, not your genes, your job, your family, your friends, or even God, YOU get to make decisions that will either make you happy, or unhappy.  Seems like it should be simple, right?  Anyone who has endured hard times or has had a case of the blues knows that it is not that easy. 

In my previous post I wrote a letter to my future self.  The common theme was my desire to find happiness and peace.  Our psychological well-being is not made up of a single entity.  Our health takes on a holistic approach which includes our emotional, mental, spiritual,  environmental, physical, and social healths.  They cannot exist seperately and work together to determine the wellness of each individual.  Take me for example:

I lived in an unhealthy environment which affected my physical health.  Living with this disease has ultimately affected my mental, and social healths.  My failing health makes me feel disconnected from others and has resulted in isolation.  The isolation has caused me to feel sad, anxious, and at times angry; but it has also cultivated the peace and joy of being alone with my own company.  My emotional health can be a rollercoaster, some days are better than others, but my failing physical health has give me compassion and understanding.  It has also affected my spiritual health, I am discovering my purpose in life and trying to live up to my full potential.  I have strong values, I have learned the importance of prayer, and I have quieted my soul enough to trust the spirit within me as my intuitive guide.  My physical health also dictates the environments in which I choose to expose myself to. 

As you can see, all aspects of health are intertwined and work together to form our overall well-being.  It is important to recognize this in order to fulfill our needs.

These last several weeks (or should I say months) have been both enriching and challenging.  Being sick I have spent a lot of quiet time with myself.  I have looked long and hard at my life and searched my soul for answers to the voice inside me nudging towards something I cannot quite fully comprehend.  I have felt pain and sadness but I have also felt immense gratitude.  My world is crumbling apart but I feel like I know myself and my needs now more than ever.  Proof that our struggles can actually blessings in disguise to grow and be stronger.

I know now that I am not willing to settling for mediocre.  I am not willing to settle because things may be great elsewhere but desperately lacking where needed most.  I am not willing to settle for those who never give and only take.  I am not willing to settle with excuses for myself or others.  I am not willing to allow my disease to hold me back any further than it already has.  I am not willing to give myself to those who do not wish to understand me.  I am simply not willing to settle. 

I have forgiven those who have let me down (and there have been many).  It doesn't matter if they deserve my forgiveness or not, I am reclaiming my power and moving forward.  I deserve to be free.  I am casting out my burdens and seeking out my physical and emotional needs.  I am letting go of the anger and pain that has been wasting my energy and depleting my soul of growth.  I am starting my journey towards enduring, lasting joy.

I have hope and faith that all of this will make perfect sense someday, that I am learning important lessons that will be vital in the future.  God is changing my heart and opening my eyes to the truth. Now it is up to me to make the choices to be happy and free no matter the circumstances.

It's time to prep for another soccer season.

Small changes and touches can make all the difference in your surroundings.

For whatever reason it took me several years to really make my space here at work my own. 

It is still a work in progress but it already feels so much brighter.

The first thing I did was move an old gigantic printer off the corner of my desk allowing in more light and broadening my view of the hills.  I also added a small fan to circulate the air.

I am pretty OCD when it comes to smells. 

 I  have a candle burning, an infuser, an oil burner, or some type of aroma going at all times.  It seriously makes all the difference. 

My latest scent of choice:

I am lucky to get one of these to last me a week.

Another thing about me is that I love pictures.

I like to be able to see the faces of everyone I love surrounding me throughout my day.

Walgreens had a deal for 60 prints for $6.99 so I thought what the heck?

Me? OCD?

No way....

I didn't spend THAT much time organzing and putting those up....

Maybe you noticed the bamboo plant, another great addition.

So far its the only plant I've had in my office NOT to die!

I'm thinking about adding a few more.

I also have a daily devotionals book and some other books for added inspiration to get me through my work days. 

I have weights and an aerobics ball handy for those rare moments of motivation.

Can't forget the hand cream and of course hidden snack drawer.

Welcome to where I spend over 50% of my waking hours. 



Things I love about Greg.

He gives me massages almost every single night.

He gives me kisses every single morning.

He calls me "boo."

He is sensitive and caring.

He smiles out of the corner of his mouth when he laughs. 

He has good table manners and respects my despise of hearing people chew.

He takes care of me when I am sick.

He always puts me first.

He is a technology nerd without an artistic bone in his body.

He always smells good and dresses nice.

He is forgiving.

He is friendly and outgoing.

He knows how to make me laugh.

He knows how to really piss me off.

He tells me I am beautiful.

He believes in me.

He trusts me.

He has kind eyes and beautiful luscious lips.

He is the best snuggler.

He likes to travel and is down for adventures.

He cleans and does the laundry.

He likes the same music as I do.

He is a hard worker.

He has become part of my family.

He loves sports.

He is easy-going and impulsive.
He is great with Chino.
He is my highschool sweetheart.
He is an answered prayer.
He is my one and only.